Randomness

Three days into the new decade and so far so good. Started the year off, with some shoving by my mother, I'm slowly cleaning my room. As my Mother would describe my room of mystery as cleaning in layers. Each layer being years of my life. I'm slowly trying to reduce my pack ratting habits of collecting the most random of objects. I'm starting to try and look into the future. Scares me but yet makes me feel good. I used to be afraid of responsibility, especially responsible for my own actions, but now I like being in control. After loosing all grips on it, I realized how much I needed to actually take charge and dare I say "grow up" a little.

I found something yesterday that I forgot I had. Old letters from almost a lifetime ago from when I was a freshman. I was so naive and blind. I wonder how everything at Wilson would have turned out if I had the knowledge I have now then. How I would have affected the people I knew and met, the ones I got close to, the ones I pushed away, the ones I looked up to, the ones I hated, but by the laws of time I can't go back and change this even if I tried. If I didn't get the experiences I had then, I'd be a completely different person or maybe I's be the same. No one can tell. I was reading the few notes I had and a few cards from the same notemaker and sighed. I was so foolish and young. I look back and laugh at myself. What was I getting myself into? I wonder how everything would have been if I never met her that first day. I remember how awkward and antisocial I was to people when first meeting them. Still working on that now, but a lot better. I give the weirdest first impressions sometimes. I remember the silly things I did for attention; to just have her just look at me or think about me. Now I just laugh remembering it all. So young. So stupid. So alive.

I didn't even know what I wanted. I still don't know what I want. Looking into the future is so hard cause of the uncertain clouds that get in the way. Do I get married? Buy a house? Work at a barn for the rest of my life? Move to Disney World? Try to become a mainstream artist of the new decade? Become a serious sculpture? Delve into the world of realism? Draw more silly cartoon animals? Try and get a digital illustrator job? Give in to the mainstream ugliness of digital art just because that's what the public wants? Hide behind canvases and paper covered in charcoal and graphite? Have more moments where you realize your not actually a functioning man? Realize your not a man anyway? Deal with the fact your actually a girl? Think about going on T? Top surgery? Wrapping your mind on how that would affect your job let alone your life? Get a dog? Don't get a pet? Let Katie move in? Stay alone in your world of art? Let her in? Change your name? Tell people about your issues? Suck it up and be too scared to change yourself permanently? Change yourself anyway? Be lewd and unfaithful because you have attention problems? Get slapped across the face a few times but still be swooned over? Be faithful and let slightly shameful unfaithful thoughts plague me? Move somewhere completely random? Take a long vacation to Europe? Travel to Belgium to draw the landscapes? Draw landscapes to run away from your life? Write a book? Write many books? Draw comics? Draw horrible adult comics just because it sells? Make more animal costumes that you don't need? Start making costumes as a job? Use them to try and become popular because you have a bad habit of wanting to be the center of attention? Maybe go get help for that? Get help for anxiety issues? Continue being clean? Slip back into that horrible anxiety driven drugworld? Dip in too deep? Run as fast as I can away from that world? Figure out a way to not get tempted? Don't drink? Drink anyway? Get drunk and blame shenanigans on it? Take responsibility and get punished for it? Don't tell anyone? Never go to drinking parties? Be the boring adult who doesn't party and go to bars? Grab the handlebars of life? Live like your dying?

So many decisions to figure out, but recently they don't seem that daunting as they did a few years ago. Still can't figure out crap though. Maybe I shouldn't think about it and just do all of it. Would there be time for that? Guess I'll find out.

Here's to a good year of figuring out more things in my life.